Mike Winters: A History
In the beginning, there was man: and his name was Unga Bunga Winters.
Unga Bunga Winters met and fell in love with a bitch of a woman named Wrinkly Smalls.
Together they had a son. They named him Michael P. Winters, Esq.
Mike had a very normal childhood, at least as normal as possible considering his parents were a caveman and a wrinkly bitch.
Life was good for Michael until the outbreak of civil war in 1861. Michael's love of his country caused him to enlist as a private in the U.S. Army.
Michael fought bravely in many battles. He was known by his fellow soldiers as, "Tin Butt" for his uncanny ability to deflect bullets with his handsomely shiny buttocks. Abe Lincoln once said of Mike's shiny buttocks, "It did its duty, it really wrecked em! God bless Tin Butt!"
After the war, Michael got involved in some bad investment deals and lost all of his money. He was so broke that creditors seized the only asset he had.....the shiny buttocks. The savages didn't stop there, they also seized his LEGS!!!
In an effort to get back what was his, Michael bobbed across the ocean to Europe. There he called anyone that would listen, to solicit enough money to buy back his legs and shiny ass!!! After hearing his story, many people were kind enough to donate money, and Michael was able to buy back his legs and rectum. After securing back his lower half, Michael became homesick. So he sailed back to the country he loved.
Once he returned to the good ole U.S.A., he found that the country was going through a great depression. Times were tough for all, and once again, Mr. Winters fell upon hard times!
Mike did whatever he could to get by. Things that he wasn't too proud of. Like playing pocket pool for cash and wearing overalls. But he did these things to survive, and survive he did. And things got better for Mr. Winters.
Things went so well for Michael, that he was elected President of the United States by one of the largest majorities in history!!
Mike's main objective as President was to rid the country of the music styling's of Clay Aiken. He was steadfast and strong with his objective, and the country loved him for it!! He had nearly rid not only the country, but the world of Clay Aiken when tragedy struck.....Mike Winters was assassinated while on a trip to Dallas to tell them that the Cowboys suck!!
Many thought that he was assassinated because he was a Redskins fan. An investigation was done and a suspect was found and arrested. His name: Lee Harvey "Skinny" Smalls.
It turned out that Smalls could care less about the Dallas Cowboys. He assassinated our beloved President Winters because he was the secret lover of Clay Aiken!!! He was quoted as saying, " That Winters bastard will not destroy the man I love. Clay Aiken is a hero to all and a stallion in bed!!" Rumor has it that their love spawned a child, and they named him Shorty. Well Smalls was sentenced to life in prison. This is where he shared a cell with known mobster "Big Pappy" K.C. Ruby .
These two shared a cell together for several months, but it was a pair that was not meant to be. Smalls was a jelly man and "Big Pappy" was a syrup man, and together they made a sticky mess. Which is how Smalls ended up. In a fit of passionate rage, "Big Pappy" killed Smalls and became an instant hero. He was released from prison and went on to write the best seller Death by Gnarly Tooth.
Mr. Winters was not too fond of being Assassinated. So he dusted himself off and went on to become a NASA astronaut!
Michael made several trips to the moon, where he delivered the first nationally televised moon while on the moon. He left a butt imprint on the moon to mark the occasion. Mike was scheduled to make the first manned mission to Uranus, but the mission to Uranus was scrubbed because Uranus had too many Klingons.
Mike decided he did all he could do at NASA, so he quit. Mike then met three fellows and the four of them started the metal band Metallica.
Michael went on to become one of the meanest Pan Flute players of his time. Unfortunately for Mike and the rest of the world, the rest of the band did not appreciate the smooth sounds of the Pan Flute. So they kicked Mike out of the band. Metallica went on to sell millions of albums and win several Grammys. Mike calls their success, "mediocre at best."
It turns out that being kicked out of Metallica was a blessing in disguise. Because Michael then found his true calling.....Mike Winters was meant to be a DJ!!!!!
What will the future hold for Michael P. Winters, Esq., know one knows but stay tuned.......
Big THANK YOU to RUBY for her expertise on the fine photos you see above!!!!